An allegory...

Opens on a car showroom. Plate glass and polished metal abound. Sun gleams from the paintwork of this year’s new models as the doors sigh open to admit an expensively-suited man. He walks to the nearest desk, where a salesman stands up, shakes his hand and offers him a seat.

“I think I’d like to buy a car.” says the man.

“Well, you’re in the right place... we’ve got lots of cars,” says the salesman, “What sort of thing are you looking for?”

“I don’t really know,” the man replies, “but I’ll know it when I see it.”

“Not a problem, sir, we’re used to helping people who aren’t too sure. How much do you want to spend?”

“Ah - that’s the thing,” says the man, “We don’t have any money - you car salesmen are always so expensive.”

“You don’t have any money, but you want to buy a car?” the salesman asks, a little incredulous.

“Well, not really,” says the man. “I mean, we’ve got some money, but not very much. But I can’t tell you how much, can I?”

“Right. I see,” the salesman says, “you’re on a budget. That’s, um, fine. Just give me an idea of broadly how much you’d like to spend.”

The man says, “well, that’s the thing - we can’t tell you how much or you’ll just sell us the most expensive one we can afford, won’t you?”

The salesman draws himself up in his chair and straightens his tie. “Sir. We’ve been here for twenty years. We’ve sold more than ten thousand cars. Our customers come back time and again to do business with us. We’ve never had a complaint. No matter how much you have or don’t have, we can find a car that will suit you.”

The suited man thinks for a second and asks, ”OK, how much will it cost then?”

The salesman rolls his eyes a bit, coughs and starts again. “OK, we’ve got 150 cars we could sell you. They’re all quite nice. But we need to know what you’ve got to spend so I can show you which one’s best for you - I can’t just sell you any old car - that wouldn’t be right.”

The man looks puzzled for a bit, then says. “We need something that does lots of miles to the gallon, 0-60 in under 6 seconds, seats at least five, goes really fast and is easy for my wife to park!”

“Bit of a challenge, but I think we can do it. I’d recommend our new R567i Granleo. Absolutely beautiful bit of kit, Sir. Here’s one in Hoobie Blue.”

“Nah - don’t like blue.” says the man.

“Fine,” says the salesman, through only slightly gritted teeth, “we have it black, green and puce too. Any of those any good to you?”

“Hmm,” replies the man, “might be. How much is it?”

“The 567i Granleo, Sir? That’s £18,950 - £19,000 with leather.”

“HOW MUCH?!!!” exclaims the man, “That’s insane - we don’t have that sort of money! How are we supposed to afford that? Haven’t you got anything cheaper?”

The salesman picks up his coffee mug and peers despairingly into its depths.
“Yes, but that’s the only car that fits what you asked for, Sir”

“You car dealers are always so difficult,“ says the man, clearly exasperated as he picks up the phone on the salesman’s desk.

“I suppose it’ll do, but I’ll have to check with my wife that it’s OK. Can you leave me to call her now - thanks.” The man waves the salesman away.

The salesman picks up his coffee mug, walks to the espresso machine and makes himself a very large one. Then, reluctantly, walks back to his desk.

“My wife says it sounds OK, but can we get a horse in the back?” asks the man.
“What?” the salesman replies.

“...and I need it in green, with alcantra seats, a dog basket and a gun turret on the roof.”

“Oh yes, and by Wednesday.”

The salesman sites down heavily and puts his head in his hands.

“Right,” he says, wearily. “Let me see what we can do.”

An allegory continued...

A week later, the doors again hiss open and the man in the suit walks in. This time, he has his wife with him. The salesman sees them coming, checks in vain for any colleagues and realises - despairingly - that he’s alone.

“Morning, Sir.” the salesman says, mustering some enthusiasm from the depths of his soul.

“Morning,” says the man, “this is my wife. She’s the one who really makes the decisions round here.”

The salesman and the man’s wife shake hands, sitting down across the desk from each other.

“Right.” says the wife, “About this car...”

“Ah yes,” our hero responds, “the car. It’s here - I’m just having it brought round for you. The mechanics have been working on it all week to get it ready. All we need to do now is sort out how you’d like to pay.”

“Pay?!” she says. “What do you mean, “pay”? We wanted to make sure it was right for us first, before we bought it. I mean, we’ve got three other cars we’re trying out at the moment before we make a decision.”

“Right. So we’ve spent a week working solidly to get your car prepared as you wanted, now you’re telling me you have three others to try out and you don’t want to pay for it anyway?”

“Yes, that’s right,” she says, nodding, with a smile, “you prepare the car the way we asked, then we drive it around to see if we like it. If we like it, we might buy it - but it really depends on how much we’ve got after finishing building the conservatory.”

The salesman stares at her, blankly. “OK, you want a test drive, yes?” he asks.

“Oh no,” says the man, “we want you to build the car to our specification, then we drive it around for a bit along with three other cars we’re trying out. Then, after three months, we might buy it.”

“...if we’ve got enough after the conservatory, darling.” the wife adds.

The salesman - who needs to pay the rent on his showroom, his staff’s salaries and the taxman his ever-expanding wedge, quietly walks to the doors and turns the sign round to read “Closed”. Then, he walks out of the showroom to find a nice, quiet, stress-free job in bomb-disposal.